Thursday, March 21, 2013


This is Buddha.  He is 7. He came to me a month before he turned 3 weighing 17 pounds and talking like he was 30 years old.

It was love at first sight. He walked into the hospital clinic with his foster mom, turned and looked at me and it was all over. Done. I was hooked. I was his....completely.

It hasn't been easy with Bu. He's smart, sensitive, funny, anxious, mad, difficult, traumatized. 

He beats me up daily emotionally and wants me to pay for what he went through before I was his.

 Most days he makes me laugh and I know why I have always wanted to be a mom but then there are days that I am not sure how much more I can take.

 People see him and see the face that I fell in love with, the toothy smile and big eyes.....they don't know how we have to live, how I always have to be concerned for the safety of him and his siblings and for myself. 

They haven't heard him talk of killing me....I am not afraid of him, but there are days I am afraid of what he will become.  The anger is so big. We have a hard time containing it. He wants to be in control of everything and everyone.....he doesn't believe that I can take care of him...that I've got it.

It's been a rough couple of days with my Bu.  But when I look at the pic above all I see is the boy I fell in love with.......I hope I can win his heart someday, make him feel safe in his own home, help him know what it is to feel loved.  Until then I will get up every morning dust us both off and start again.

I love my boy!

xo Nicci Wendy

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