Finding the words after this past Friday's tragedy has been hard for me. It has weighed on my heart heavily. I can not even begin to imagine what those families in that small Connecticut town must be feeling. I'm not talking about just the families that lost loved ones but the entire community. How do you recover? How do you keep getting up and living.
There's a lot to take in with this. It brings up so many questions and thoughts....Why? How could someone take the lives of babies, so many babies? Where was God? Gun control. Mental illness. What did his family do to him? How do the parents of all those children make it through this? My mind races and doesn't stop.
Something else creeps in....something I push out quickly but it keeps coming back. What if one of my boys turn into this monster? KK, the woman I co-parent with already believes this is who my boys are. All the professionals tell me I am doing what I need to do and this doesn't have to be who they are....but what if the trauma they experienced before they got to me is to much, to big? What if the love I feel for them and the structure I give them isn't enough.
Those of you that know my boys are saying,"What is she talking about they are so loving and that would never happen". But there's so much anger and hurt in these small boys that I worry it's bigger than they are, than I am. Am I putting everyone in danger? Am I making it worse for them? Am I hurting the Little Punkies?
I hope as you go through your day and as this tragedy pops into your mind you think about mental illness. You think about the parents out there that are trying, but I will tell you it is a constant battle. Even with professionals they want to say "They'll be fine! All you need is to love them.". That's not always the case. You have to be willing to be the "crazy parent", you have to be willing to stand up to the people who are suppose to be experts and say,"Yes I hear you AND this is what is going on with MY kid!". There are days that I feel exhausted and that everything I am doing is wrong, but then I get up and try again. I love my boys, I don't want to believe they could ever be the "monster" that we saw on Friday, but what if?
My heart is heavy.....I can't seem to pull myself away from my Punkies....I can't imagine what that community is going through.....
Bless those 26 souls, those little babies and those amazing adults who lost their lives protecting them...
This one is going to take a really long time to heal.
xo Nicci Wendy